Rent Em Spoons!

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So everybody is going crazy over the altercation between Jay-Z and Beyoncé’s sister, Solange. Well I’m not here to go through the wherefore and whys of this spectacle. I will let the other bloggers do that. I am however, more focused on the physical aspect of the attack itself, which to me was quite amusing. If you were like me, you may have watched the melee…a couple of times… Solange really wanted to get to Jay-z. Really wanted to. So much so that when she couldn’t put her hands on him due to the bodyguard holding her back (He really earned his paycheck that evening), she began kicking him. She was reaching for every part she could with her feet. I laughed hard watching this. Not because of the beating that Jay-Z received from his very, very, very, very, angry sister-in-law, but it reminded me of this television episode of Martin. There is this particular episode when Martin; his girlfriend, Gina; and their friends Pam, Tommy, and Cole were brainstorming ideas for a business they wanted to open with Martin’s $4,000 IRS refund check. Well dear Cole, who has proven on more than one occasion that he’s not too bright, came up with the idea of “Rent Em Spoons.” Basically, you give out free soup, but you rent out the spoons 🙂 ! This explanation immediately put Martin in fight mode. In spite of the violence that it ensued, Cole was determined to get his idea across. The third time Cole yelled out “Rent Em Spoons,” his friends, anticipating the imminent attack, had to hold Martin back to where only his feet were free, using them to try and kick Cole. View here.

I mean Martin was desperate to beat Cole down. Like Solange. And like my two-year-old. Yes, like my two-year-old. When I try to pull my little boy away from the object that he desires like food, a toy, or his blanket, he can’t vocalize his frustration, so he will kick and stretch to try to reach the object with his feet. His father and I call these antics, “Rent Em Spoons!” While I don’t condone violence, I think the Rent Em Spoons fighting method can be cathartic. Even if you hit nothing (Although Solange managed to land a few blows), I think it’s an effective way to let someone or something know that if you could just get your hands on them… Anyway, there are some community issues that make me just want to go, Rent Em Spoons! Count them down with me:

6. Big Box Stores – Admittedly, I love Target. However, the Big Boxes in general make me crazy. It requires so much land to build one. Not only for the actual store but for parking as well. Then there is the runoff once it rains that pollutes our rivers and streams. Even if you are not an environmentalist, you must admit Big Box Stores have killed their share of small businesses. And every time you look around, someone thinks it’s actually a good idea to put one of these up. And you can best believe this is after an old store has been abandoned, leaving a shell and a lot wasted land. Rent Em Spoons!

5. Subdivisions without Trees – When I was working as a planner and preparing my rezoning reports for the subdivisions, I would always give the stipulation that the developer only remove just enough trees to place the house. Unfortunately, not all jurisdictions require a “no clear cutting” clause. When I pass subdivisions with endless rooftops and not one tree, it makes me want to completely Rent Em Spoons!

4. Gated Communities – To you, it’s security. To me, it’s promoting exclusivity. Rent Em Spoons!

3. The Continuous Building of Schools Waaaaayyyyy Out in Suburbia – I hate it when there are schools closer to the urban center that are falling apart and need to be rehabilitated, and yet, all of the money goes towards building state-of-the-art facilities way out yonder where there is only like 50 people. Again, it’s such a waste of land. And money. Then when there aren’t enough students in the older schools, they are the ones that are closed, leaving behind rundown, unused eyesores. Rent Em Spoons!

2. Applebees – Nothing personal against Applebees. I enjoy the occasional 2 for $20 menu as much as the next person. I am actually more opposed to the concept of Applebees and similar restaurant chains. They keep us out of downtown and keeps us from enjoying the community’s indigenous culture displayed in food, arts and crafts, and music. You can’t enjoy those in suburban restaurants. Rent Em Spoons!

1. Deteriorating Neighborhoods – We grow up. We get money. We leave. We don’t return. We want to head for the gated community, with no trees, near the big box retail and the Applebees, and send our kids to the brand new state-of-the-art schools. Two things here: First, Gentrify Your Own Self! and Secondly, Rent Em Spoons!

So there you have it. The things in the community that make me go all Rent Em Spoons. What about your community makes you go all Rent Em Spoons?

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